A few weeks ago, I ended a very important relationship. Actually, he ended it, he just gave up on me. After almost three years together, he finally stopped putting any effort into what we had. Sure, when we met, he had been around the block a few times and had been a little used and abused. The rust, the flimsy parts, he really just wasn’t well put together. I SHOULD have known. All the signs were there. And then, without warning, he stopped doing his best move… his spin cycle. Whirlpool packed it in on me and left me and my piles, heaps, MOUNTAINS of stinky boy clothes to sit alone in rejected misery.
Well, come on now. You can’t leave a woman like me, with the laundry needs I have, high and dry like that. No sir. So, I’ll admit it. Over the past couple weeks, I have played the field with a cute washer down the road. It was fun. We had wild, overloaded, nonstop Sunday afternoons together. Honestly, my friend Veronica was the instigator. She told me not to feel guilty about it, I NEEDED to do this, I would feel better the rest of the week if I just got it done. But, ultimately, he wasn’t there for me either. Not really. He just wasn’t ready for a long term commitment. I needed a man willing to go the long haul, to be there night and day – everyday. Call me pushy but my washer had to move in with me, no questions asked – and as soon as possible. I guess I came on a little strong. And it was over between us.
So, realizing that playing the field was not the answer, I knew it was time to find someone new. Brand spanking new, in fact. And, I am a tricky woman to match up with. I have high expectations and endless demands. I don’t want some golddigger machine whose going to show up pimped out with flashy buttons and chrome detailing, and then expect me to support that kind of lifestyle. And I don’t want a 3.0 cu small tub man either. Hell no. I need a big capcity – tough, able to stand up to the mess I’m in and fully prepared for a lot of agitation. C’mon, lets just face it. I have a lot of dirty laundry and my new washer needs to be ready to bring it.
So, what do women in their thirties do these days when they are looking for the right partner? They get online, of course. I used all the comparing tools and read up on all of the fancy washers out there. I even sought out my family for advice and support. There were so many possibilities. How would I ever find a future partner to agitate, soak and spin my days with?
But suddenly, I knew I had found my man. His name is Kenmore Elite Oasis. This morning, he was dropped off at my house: unboxed, shiny, and standing taller than his new wingman, my old dryer. He has a huge capacity, he is very water efficient, he’s straight forward and easy to understand. Within in the first couple hours here, he had already finished two loads of laundry, spun cleanly out in his shiny new basin. This guy isn’t afraid to work hard for me. He’s quiet too, HE never complains loudly so the whole house knows when he’s been asked to do a load of laundry. I know that Kenmore (I like to call him Kenny) is here for the long haul. Do you know what else? He just looks good, you know? Yeah, yeah, so I said I didn’t want a lot of fuss and fancy bling complicating the works… but he’s got some really cool light up buttons and sweet extra functions. I didn’t ask for them, but he has them anyway. And I likey.
So thats our story so far. Everything is still very new and exciting. I suppose we have yet to get through the honeymoon phase. But for now, I am so happy and grateful to have this huge, stacked, gorgeous washer in my life. Check in with us in a couple years. Who knows, maybe there will be kids in our future. I have always wanted a bouncing baby dishwasher with a hard water filter. And then maybe a little brother refrigerator to keep her company. It could happen. With Kenny and his slick new light up dials, it seems anything is possible.